Firsts
by xiamei
Summary: A few of Satoshi's firsts. 5th installment: Only Satoshi could attach so much meaning in every little thing.
1. Friendship

Firsts (410 words)

A short fic I wrote a while back... sorta weird... (for those who read "Interludes", sorry I haven't updated yet... been busy... I will soon, though. Maybe even today...)

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The only memory Satoshi had of his 'real' family was his mother. His mother, with such a remorseful face, telling him not to hold anything dear to him. His mother, dying; fervently repeating apologies.

_/I'm sorry, Satoshi… My dear, beautiful child… I'm sorry for giving you this cursed existence… I'm sorry…/_

Whether or not anyone knew or believed, Hikari Rio loved her son; and her son cared for her in turn. And so, when Rio had died of a long, painful illness, Hikari Satoshi took her most fervent request to heart.

_/Kill yourself… and do not hold anything dear to you…/_

Satoshi never held anything precious to him. He lived his life detached from feeling. Cold, logical, uncaring. He did not let himself care when a kind Hiwatari Seiichirou adopted him, nor when his once-loving adoptive father became consumed with greed and delved far too deeply into Hikari family history.

For nearly a decade, Satoshi let himself feel nothing; living his life doing nothing but accomplishing the tasks his father set. Slowly, he started to forget how to feel.

_/So that **he** may never awaken…/_

On his fourteenth year, Hiwatari Satoshi became the commander-in-chief of the Azumano Police Force. And, for the first time in his life, Hikari Satoshi asked for something. To be given full reign of the capture of Dark, whom he was sure would come.

_/To eliminate Krad, Dark must be eliminated./_

Satoshi, for the first time in his life, attended school with people his age, and yet, nothing changed. He only thought of his goal – his mother's goal. He anticipated, watched, waited, prepared.

But, as all plans go, things changed. Things fell into disarray.

_/Hi! Are you new? I've never seen you before… I'm Niwa Daisuke. You are.../_

For the first time in his life, Satoshi was offered a hand in friendship. By a Niwa, no less.

_/…I am… Hiwatari Satoshi./_

_/Daiisukeee! There you are! Come on, I need to show you something!/_

_/Saehara! Stop dragging me! I was talking to someone…/_

_/Eh? I'm sure it can wait…/_

_/Mou, Saehara! Anou…! Hiwatari-kun! I hope you enjoy yourself! Sorry I have to leave all of a sudden…/_

_/…Niwa…ka? …His smile is… warm…/_

Hikari were not meant to feel. The goal of a Hikari's life is to suppress, and perhaps eliminate, their curse. But at that moment, Satoshi, for the first time since his adoption, decided that maybe he could be a Hiwatari, even for just a bit.

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3 firsts: Satoshi asking for something for himself, attending school with his age group, and thinking that maybe he could be a Hiwatari instead of a Hikari. 

The first three flashback lines are from Volume 4… the rest are made up. 4th flashback line would be Satoshi's words, to himself.

"His smile… is warm." The significance of this is that Satoshi isn't used to having people smile sincerely at him. He was used to the "cold" smiles of his father and his colleagues.


	2. Fear and Fury

Fear and Fury – spoiler alert. Anime.

Disclaimer: Nope, it definitely aint mine.

Warnings: Shounen-ai if you squint.

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When Satoshi felt the heavy weight settling in his guts, he knew immediately what it was. 

_Fear, massive and unceasing; suffocating him with its unbearable pressure.  
_

He'd only ever felt this twice – when his mother died; and when his 14th birthday had come and he'd felt the cursed presence awaken in his mind, waiting for its chance to manifest. Why was he afraid? Why now?

_**"Impossible! Daisuke's a great swimmer! He can't have drowned!"**_

That was the last thing Satoshi heard before he plunged swiftly into the cool water.

He saw Daisuke, frozen, hand poised over an eerily glowing necklace. All of a sudden, the weight in the pit of his stomach turned glacial and spread, washing his veins in piercing frost.

Anger. Fury. Satoshi had never felt fury in his life; had only ever known of it through the demon sequestered in his mind. But now, he could feel it so acutely that he could imagine the waters around him turning into ice. Its magnitude was incomparable to even anything the golden-eyed demon called up.

'_Someone wants to kill Daisuke.'_

The fierceness of the thought surprised Satoshi. When he had first felt the fear and the anger; he hadn't known why. And he'd never even begun to think that it may, perhaps, have been because of _Daisuke_…

'_I fear… because he's hurt?'_

Satoshi swam swiftly toward the Niwa and held the smaller boy. The spell of the necklace broke immediately and Daisuke fell, limp and unconscious in his arms.

'_And because someone wishes for him to hurt… I've become angry…'_

The fear and the anger were mixing together in an incomprehensible mess now, and a sprinkle of something foreign began to cover that mesh of emotions in a wash of agitation.

Satoshi had only ever felt that strange, uncomfortable restlessness once before. It was as he sat beside his unconscious mother; the first time she fainted midday; and before she explained death to Satoshi and resigned him to its certainty.

Satoshi was worried.

'_Will he leave as well?'_

_No.** Satoshi won't let him.**_

The next few moments almost didn't register in Satoshi's mind. He knew what to do. CPR was a method, a certainty, something studied, something he was trained to do. It was something he could do well and comfortably, something that didn't involve strange, churning, rapidly changing thoughts and feelings.

_He was more concerned about calming his raging heart._

When Daisuke woke up, Satoshi couldn't help the smile from escaping his visage – although he could bet that it possibly looked distorted from disuse.

Daisuke was _safe_, and Satoshi promised himself that no one would ever touch the precious Niwa like that** ever again**.

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Found it on my Religion notebook from last year. Heheh.

You _know_ you love me... :P Please review!


	3. Birthday

Satoshi had never celebrated his birthday.

Warnings: The usual

Disclaimer: ... yeah.

Much thanks to everyone who reviewed. :) I hope this is up to par, 'coz it's for the 8 of you:P

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As a toddler, his mother had always cried herself to exhaustion on his birthday. Every year, on that day, his mother would come into his room at the stroke of midnight, pat his hair, and cry softly. And, hours later, when Satoshi would finally get over the strange squeezing in his chest that simply **wouldn't** let him open his eyes to see his sobbing mother; the first thing Hikari Rio would do was pull Satoshi's head to her shoulder and wail apologies. 

_//I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I'msorryI'm sorrI'msorryI'm sorryI'msososososorry.//_

Satoshi would always hug his mother back, attempting to stem his own well of unbidden tears. He would sit quietly, unmoving, holding his mother close so she wouldn't see the tears flowing down his cheeks.

_//I don't want you to suffer. Please, please, **please** forgive me, my little **baby**. My Satoshi.//_

He always stopped crying first. And later, her mother would utter her first coherent sentence, and pull away, offering him a soft kiss on his forehead and a shaky smile.

Those days, Satoshi awaited his birthday with a suffocating feeling of dread.

When his mother passed away, Satoshi was glad to be rid of the yearly fear and reminder. Hiwatari Keiichirou had tried to ask him about it once, when he was still kind and loving and **sane**, but Satoshi never answered; and Keiichiro became crazy too soon to have **celebrated**.

_//Satoshi, why don't you want to tell me your birthday? It's silly. I'm your father now. You should at **least** let me look at your records with a clear conscience.//_

Later on, after Satoshi's adoptive father had unleashed the magic of an artwork that stole his sanity; and before the boy could help it, the the young Hikari's birthdays had resumed their hellish meaning.

_//It's soon, isn't it? Finally, **he'll** be coming.//_

For most of his life, the anniversary of his birth merely marked the coming of Krad, and Satoshi never found any reason to commemorate _that._

For Satoshi, being mindless of his birth date was something he had always relished in. He had once believed that maybe, if he **didn't remember**, then it wouldn't happen. And sometimes, when mother was sick or Keiichirou was away, he could feel **not hopeless**. Because for this **one thing**, ignorance was his bliss.

It had become so much a habit, forgetting his birthday, that even when Krad was gone he was still unmindful of it. After all, he had never, _ever_ felt the need to celebrate it. In fact, he had all but come to loathe it. Why remember _now_?

_//Satoshi you meanie! You could've told me your birthday was coming! It's a good thing I found out on time, or I'd never have forgiven myself! Happy birthday!//_

When Daisuke held out a huge cake to him, cheery and rosy cheeked and his pet With perched atop his head bearing a present, Satoshi decided that maybe celebrating it for the first time wouldn't be so bad.

After Satoshi, for the first time in his life, ate birthday noodles and cut out the first slice, he pecked Daisuke's forehead and smiled.

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Birthday noodles – really yummy noodles in mouth-watering sauce that are, as the name implies, always served during birthdays. For longevity (and good luck?) Chinese tradition. Not sure if the Japanese do it too, but let's just say they do. :P Or at least just Daisuke's family (well, they **are** pretty eccentric, so I guess it wouldn't be too OOC for them)… 


	4. Holidays

Pointless fluff. I wanted to write something light. :P Dedicated to GA, Sei, and WaterSpirit1. Any requests for a first? ☺ Thanks to everyone who reviewed! ☺

Warnings: If non-christianity offends you, this is a no go. Unbetaed.

Disclaimer: DNAngel, and all its characters & situations, are the property of Yukiru Sugisaki. No copyright infringement is intended and no money is being made.

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year to everyone who celebrates it. ☺

440 words

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Satoshi didn't want to even _begin_ fathoming what the Niwas' reaction would be if they found out that the pale boy had never once celebrated Christmas. 'The Niwas' collectively, instead of just the usual 'Daisuke', because he'd been dragged out of bed at four in the morning to "celebrate the holidays with family" by – of all people – Niwa Emiko. 

…Being attacked by one's boyfriend's mother in the wee hours of the morning is not exactly a pleasant experience. Especially when said mother can stealthily bypass any and all forms of security one can concoct.

Satoshi supposed he should be thankful that Daisuke hadn't slept over that night. While it's true that Emiko had, thankfully, wholeheartedly accepted Satoshi into the family… there was always such a thing as 'going too far'; and Emiko finding occasion to squeal _happily_ over her son's 'lost innocence' definitely constituted as _beyond_ 'too far'.

Of course, the opposite may happen and Satoshi could possibly be thrown into the rather eccentric woman's bunny-shaped iron maiden instead; but all evidence, luckily for him, pointed to the former rather than the latter.

When the mistletoe magically appeared above his head as soon as Daisuke walked into the living room, Satoshi idly wondered if the Niwas were even Christian.

…Probably not. He'd never seen any of them go to church, there was not one cross to be found in the house except in the 'art gallery', and Emiko seemed like the type of person who'd celebrate this holiday just for the sake of celebrating.

Satoshi will never forget St. Patrick's day. One of his shirts still had the slight tinge of green where Towa threw dye on it.

Regardless, it was still Satoshi's first Christmas. First holiday, really, because he didn't think being thrown green dye counted for much.

There was never a point to celebrating. Holidays were often overrated schemes to earn money. Putting up décor and making plans only cost time and effort, and it's not like he believed in this whole 'birth of the savior' scenario.

After an embarrassed Daisuke gave him a light peck for the mistletoe, Satoshi watched the energetic family quietly.

Kosuke was happily climbing the ladder to fix the star that had tilted askew. Daiki was attempting to keep the stuffing in his Santa suit. Towa was cluttering around, attempting to remember where she left the gifts; and Emiko was humming as she prepared what seemed to be a feast for a hundred men.

Everyone seemed so happy, and when Daisuke grabbed his hand and smiled brilliantly at him; Satoshi supposed that maybe there was sense in the madness of holidays after all.

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I love Emiko☺She's insane. And Towa. And all the Niwas, actually. Daisuke has such a cute family. ☺There's just something about insane people that scream out "brethren!" to me. Heheh. ♥ 

'Art gallery' – all stolen, actually.

Please review! ♥


	5. Light and Meaning

Light and Meaning

Lunar New Year - 280 words

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Satoshi had always enjoyed spending an inordinate amount of time looking out the window. 

He used to sit quietly and stare, cup of coffee nestled snugly between cold fingers; watching the people scuttle below – like ants.

He'd think of how small everyone – including him – was. How inconsequential in the world and so utterly, devastatingly, helpless.

…How meaningless life was, and how no one even noticed.

And sometimes, he'd wonder. Perhaps these people understand something he can't seem to grasp. Perhaps they were lucky enough not to be eluded by goal, by meaning.

…Perhaps, one day, he'd find out as well.

Then he'd squash those thoughts as violently as children step on ants.

There was no meaning. It was useless to pre-occupy oneself with non-existent hope.

On new years, he'd smile scornfully at the little dots watching the bursts of light come into existence; and scoff at the joy he just _knew_ they emanated at the beautiful lights that come quick but die just as soon.

But now, he wasn't sitting on the high windowsill of his apartment; nor even out on the balcony. For the first time in his life; he was on the street, a sparkler lit in his long fingers, and watching Niwa Kosuke light the fountain fuse and run back to a safe distance.

Somehow, he now understood how those people could ooh and aah at the beauty of the display, at the colourful flashes of light that disappear from the sky but _not from memory_.

…But this was better. He wasn't just standing idly by as the government and big companies lit the sky with wonder – he was here, home, helping the light fill the dark.

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The cheese kills XD I'm not actually satisfied with this, but… I hope you guys enjoy it anyway. 

Xin Nien Guai Le, Gong Xi Fa Cai!!!

Please review!


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